Watery Graves.

I have this habit of waking up.
Pouring myself a large glass of chilled water.
Then get back in bed.

But,
I will never finish this large glass of water.
I cannot bring myself to get rid of it, but nor can I drink it because I'm still in a sleep state.
My body rejects all things when I'm tired it seems.

So, why?
Why does this glass feel so comforting?
What does it do for me to have this by my bedside?

I always sleep better with a cold tall glass of water by my side.

Abnormal?
Yeah.
But who isn't?

Morning Tithings.

I am just so excited for his new works. This artist has been with me since high school and I just can't get any more enthralled by every piece he releases. His strength just grows and grows. Tasteful, wrenching, beautiful songs. I really recommend him to all music lovers. It doesn't matter what you like, there is always room to like something outside of your own little box. He's just. These songs are like, lullabies for the well grown.

It's just killing me.

I'm excited to play some games over break this quarter, as it comes to a close. I'll head home on the 16th and start working. Take a break in Colorado for the weekend. Then get back to work, before coming to school for another quarter.

Here's a good review for L.A. NOIR for any of you interested: http://features.metacritic.com/features/2011/la-noire-inside-the-reviews/

3 more quarters until graduation if everything goes according to plan. I get nervous the closer I get to graduating and the harder my classes get. Sometimes I forget that there is a lot I have learned. I just need to be more proactive and more well... practice makes perfect right?

I am just so scared all the time. Whenever I want something too badly, I botch it.
So I am just ... always worried. Always scared.

I can't remember the last time.

Everyone, I've ever loved...I've always loved more than they could ever love me. Every friendship, every relationship. I think there was one time, when I was still in high school...where I chose myself, over somebody else.
I really liked this boy, you see. Truly, I did. But he was too damaged. Broken home. Honours student who dropped out of high school. Drug addict. But, boy! Did I like him. But I couldn't do it. We were 16/17. He wanted to plan his life out with me. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to leave after high school. Do an exchange program, travel. I wanted to pursue so many things, how could I take him with me... he would never be graduating high school. How could I plan a life out, with someone that I would have to take care of, when I was just a kid.

This is the one time. The one time I chose myself over another human being.

I did a very poor job of it. He cried. I couldn't look at him. Didn't know what else to do, I don't even remember what I said. It wasn't much, he knew anyway. I don't know what happened to him after that. Never really talked again. He could be dead right now and I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be surprised though. Not with the crowd we ran with back then. Not with what I was told he was doing after the break up.

But, that was the only time. I've never done it again. Though now I'm more tired, so I think most people just avoid me. Who would want to hang around with someone, who can walk into a crowded room and not be seen, her energy being too lackluster to notice. Maybe that's why...

Maybe that's why I will live my life like this.
Because I don't have the energy, and I have headaches, and neckaches, more than I have smiles and tenderness.


No one loves the weak of heart.
Who would?
Who could.

Let's redefine Love.

Love is all encompassing and not man made.
We try to categorize it the way we categorize all things because it makes it easier for us to understand.
But you cannot categorize something all encompassing.

Love as they say has no boundaries.
That is why we can love all and any.
Why murderers have lovers, and children.
Why monsters have someone who views them as princes.

So, let's redefine love.
Let's stop saying whom can and whom cannot.
Let's stop saying when and where it's appropriate.
Let's stop saying there's different kinds.

There isn't any other kind but the one.

You either love someone or you don't.

The reason the line between loving a friend and loving a lover is so blurred is because there is only one love.


Tonight.
Now.
In this moment, let's all decide to love.
Openly, and honestly.






No more boxes.

My Nao Time

Caro: Look Nao!
Nao: What's that?
Caro: It's how this guy proposed to his fiance!
Nao: Was there any other candidate?!
Caro: .....Let me explain "blablablabalablablbalabla"
Nao: Oh. Is that common to say?
Caro: XD No, it's supposed to be cute...
Nao: it sounds like it could be some other people still for me................
Caro: XD..................
Nao: It's OK if they are happy!



Oh Nao, my foreigner XD I love you!



PS: Later that day:
Caro: You are killing me, hahahahaha
Nao: Nope
Caro: No, that's something you say when someone is being really funny
Nao: Oh I see....XD

Where are you going, you little flea~

First day of fourth quarter was today.
I had a Professional Practices class with my previous second quarter speech teacher.
Because I am taking an extra quarter to more space out my courses I cannot do an internship until upcoming fall quarter.

I do not work this weekend so I have plenty of time to get a jump start on the assignments for this class.
He pretty much told us all the assignments so we canj ust get to work on them it seems.

I need to find someone in the fashion industry to interview.
I will probably edit my resume tonight in the format the he wants and then send out emails tomorrow during the day.
Is 7p.m. not too late in the evening to be sending emails to business people?
Or is that something I have made up in my head?

Anyway, just started Gone with the Wind.
Going to get some work done.
Organizing and cleaning.
Little by little by little.




Currently reading a book called The Happiness Project.
I fully agree clutter causes us less happiness.
I hope by tomorrow, I will be ready for this next quarter.
I will do better than my last quarter.











FIGHTING!

Interesting dreams making me feel forsaken~

So, periodically...or I suppose annually I have this dream. The man isn't always the same, though how would I know he never has a face. But long story short it always plays out like this:
Relationship, going great all smiles lots of love.
Pregnant. Find out.
Run.
Don't tell anyone. Just leave.
Cut to sometimes down the line (either child is born and slightly grown or still pregnant just very noticeable at this point)...and
NoFaceMan has somehow found out and weaved his way into the scenario.
Him walking into my business/home (because I always own a business or a home at this point ((how nice at least I get to be successful?))) is usually when the dream cuts out for me.

I don't get why I have this dream so often.
I don't get why I have this dream period.
Did my dreams forget I don't want children?
Let alone to have children BY MYSELF?
Will NoFaceMan ever have a face?
Why does his voice always SOUND familiar even though in the dream I never actually hear it.

Why.
Does.
This.
Keep.
Happening.