Sunday, April 25, 2010

School Update~

I plan on completing my scholarship project tomorrow afternoon.
My abuela will be in town so it shall be a tad tough to schedule things around her.
I mean family is important but, I hope to have it in the mail Tuesday.
I will get them scanned as well in the evening for me to be able to post online and see if anyone has some constructive criticism.
I hope you guys like them!
It has been a tough path to get the right designs.
The right ideas.
The right fabric.
I am trying to do my best.
The scholarship would be an immense help for me.
Wish me luck~

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I can attest to the fact that people probably treat me like some lost puppy because I have given them that impression of myself. I have allowed it. I admit at times it makes interactions with others simpler as they will lean towards more sincere or compassionate mannerisms than when you show your intelligence.
I feel perhaps it was one of the mistakes I made in my past friendships. I allowed them, all the room, to treat me and view me as they pleased. Then were I to decide something for myself, even something so small as an opinion, it was bad news bears.
I guess I should feel relief when I admit it wasn't all me. I was not the root of everyone's issues. Something other's tried to pin on me. If anything I am quite flabbergasted to think no one felt me important enough to want to continue a friendship. No matter how keenly I tried to please them I have never been found good enough for anyone.
Perhaps, I care too much for other's to wish to care for me. Perhaps, I do not deserve friendship. A truth I may just have to face. I am not deserving of having others care for me. It doesn't matter if I do anything for them, even if at my own expense. I do not deserve friends.

That at least is what my past has taught me.

But I digress. It seems, even now, people, regardless of my attempts to stand my ground or be a more forthcoming individual; give me the same lack of respect ... if that is even the correct word to use? I wonder what it is I'm portraying that says: "Yes please, I need your help. Show me the way, for I am too naive to find it on my own."

What makes so many of you think I'm lost?
That you are above me in your intelligence or mental capacity?
That I am not worthy of your time, attention, respect?
Not even after years of "friendship". What is so wrong with me?

Is it my behaviour? If so which aspect(s)?
My vernacular? Demeanor? Tone of voice?

I accept that I have faults. I painfully accept that perhaps whatever they may be, no one ever finds me worthy.

I would greatly appreciate an honest answer from those who actually know me out in reality. I doubt I will receive any, though I will hope.

I am too tired for this life.