Wednesday, April 30, 2008


"May I have your hand?
It is only a short way away.
I guess it is a bit hard for you to remember.
We did once traverse this path.
But it was long ago.
So, I guess it is a bit hard for you to remember."

Your hands are cold.
Where have you been?
I have been waiting.
I have something for you, something I must tell you.
You see I feel I can no longer lie to you.
Well, I guess it can wait.
I am sure it is nothing important for you.
Sorry for having wasted your time.
I promise to do my best to make it up to you.

Maybe tomorrow we can...
No I understand.
It has been a long week.
No, you are right.
Take care.

I guess I too have forgotten.
That today is no longer yesterday.
Your feelings are now for another.
I wish you could remember, how green it once was.
How free we once were.
But memories tend to fade.
Only the weak stand behind remembering.
I guess I too have forgotten, that yesterday ended with a silent sigh.


Sunday, April 27, 2008

Talk of Little Things.

I've never been in love you know.
I wonder sometimes perhaps it's more than just fear.
Maybe I just don't know how.
She closed the door and left.
Down the hall with the yellowed glass, tattered walls.
Down the halls she'd walked a thousand times.

He sat in wait.
Perhaps of her return.
Perhaps just in thought.
But then he closed his eyes.
And all went dark.

What's it like, she asked. Being in love.

It's kind of like a fire in your veins, he reminisced.
It doesn't only hurt sometimes...but always.

His pauses were always full of pain.
She knew, then, he'd done more than just taste it.
Love had once engulfed him.
And it took all he had to keep himself,
From going under once again.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Mmm...しらない ...

It all started as though it had always been. It was a dark night. Cloudy... no more like weighty, it seemed. It was in the midsts of a war. But not of a tangible sort, no soldiers versus soldiers type of war. There was just that heavy feeling, that clung to everything. You know the one... a draping of fear and of oppression. The overbearing knowledge that either side could win, but having no idea if it would be yours?

There was a part where...

Suddenly, it seemed, the room had changed into a building with a domed ceiling.
Dark...cold, yet stifling. Full of a fear you could not swallow. Was it possible to choke on a feeling? I and another were trying to escape this room. Because if the...witch...or demon...or whatever she was saw you... Well, something unbeknownst to you would happen. All you knew was that you would not survive.

The strange thing was the more I fought the closer I was to the unknown fate. The more frightened I became... When I stopped struggling and acknowledged my fate I was able to... float out. The domed ceiling could no longer keep me under. Yet she was unable to ever escape it. It was her prison? How had we arrived? Why could we not consciously leave? Only as long as I consciously ignored what was going on could I continue to float upwards towards freedom for; the way she was notified of your presence was by your thoughts. So when I got excited about escaping... or when the pang of guilt and quivering nausea, over the person I could not save, hit me like a sledgehammer... they had been my responsibility...I had let them down... This, you see, is when the fear came back. Like the memory pains of a lost wound, I could hardly bare it. When I knew I would be free...and I knew they had not made it...was this the person I was meant to be? A let-down? Had I failed them? Or had I never been strong enough to get them out? Had this always been the predetermined course? Had they always stood no chance? Even...with me by their side... When I ignored these feelings again I was able to get out past the ceiling. Along with the agonizing sorrow for the one I had lost... tagging an invisible scar I would never erase.

This next part is hazy...this next part...I am not sure how I got to it I cannot remember... Perhaps, I chose not to remember? I am with two little Asian boys. Could they be mine? They cling so tightly to the back of my dress, and then there is a tiny brown baby girl in my arms. Held tight, kept close. We were trying to escape from the town, the war, the demon's home...the fear. We end up it seems upon a train. Moving silently among the tracks. Jostling us around the bends. I kept fearing the baby was dead for she would ne'er make a sound nor fidget. But she was so warm to the touch. Her eyes were closed, but they would flit at times and she just...she just felt so alive. The other children they never worried... perhaps they just knew she was all all right. She was so tiny, so corporeal but fragile... vulnerable. The fear never left me...not once. It kept close watch, within its tight grip. Would we ever feel peace?

On the train...someone...or something, I suppose, came in. We knew to stay safe we could not look up nor make a sound. I was so terrified the children would look up or cry out in fear as they hid behind me. Or that the baby would wail or coo as babies often do. But they never did, perhaps they knew better than even us adults do? We finally made it to...I guess the station? If you could even call it a station... All of a sudden, this panic engulfed me. I had no idea when the children had last eaten! I needed to get milk for the baby! But I could not find anyone who would serve me. We were so surrounded by families running from the war and camping out in every nook and cranny and no one would give me milk nor accept my money. They would not even acknowledge my existence I could have been talking to walls. I started to freak out and it was strange... for all I had was foreign money but I had no idea from where it came. But either way no one would accept it. What was I to do? I needed milk for the baby because she needed to survive! I needed her to survive. She really felt as tho she were mine... Not that I knew whose she was...or where she had come from either... Why could no one give us some help?

And I then remember needing to meet with the man we had been searching for the entire time. He was going to help us, and house us but... then I woke up... I never got to meet him... but his silhouette gave such a feeling of...was it love?

I guess it was all a dream you see. Then why did it feel more real than reality? Perhaps, now too I dream?

How...did things end?


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

ばか Poems I wrote as a child. XD

Fallen Angel
One day, as the sky fell
I noticed you walking.
Silently, through the rain.
When I was lost you found me.
But now as I watched you bleed,
It was you I could not find.
I lost you on my way through
The crowded streets of our home
And one day soon...
I hope to be...
The one to rescue you.

You my fallen angel;
The one who'd guide me on
My path to wisdom and strength,
Will one day fly again.
And, though I seem
To have lost my way
Your messages
are not forgotten.
And one day soon...
I hope to be ...
The one to rescue you.

Entry #2,

I cut you up
And watch you bleed
Your travesty is beyond me.

As you fade
Your soul cries out.

With no one there to hear you
Who will catch you as you fall?

Blame the masses,
Blame the world.
The mistake is not within you,
the blame lies without.

Now let go of what you know
And hide behind the faceless crowd.

Will someone lift you up and cry?
Or alone in a pool will you die?

Now make the choice
You'll be banished either way.
To die alone and fade away,
or hold on to
anothers arms?


Monday, April 14, 2008


I am in a fashion mood. So, I will be posting a series of blogs on fashions that interest me from around the world. To keep it concise I will go country by country.
Of course there are a large variety of different fashions everywhere, but I only feel like discussing the fashions I am fond of and not the ones that irritate me or that I find ugly in anyway. What can I say, I am too lazy to talk about clothes I do not like. Anyway, many designers and styles to discuss so let us begin.
I will start with: Japan. Why? Because I already had a few Japanese fashion links open.


Lolita, as per how its seen today, reared at around the 1970 time period in Japan. But it was not until around the 1990's where, one of the most influential bands in the Visual Kei scene, Malice Mizer, truly gave cause for its increase in popularity. One cannot speak of Lolita fashions without mentioning Malice Mizer or Mana. They are one of my favourite true Visual Kei bands. This of course was picked up by Visual Kei bands then on. They wore intricately detailed costumes in videos, as well as performances, which were subsequently adopted by their fans.

In essence Lolita fashion can be categorised by a few key influential points and time periods:

  • -Victorian Children's Clothes
  • -Rococo Time Period Costumes
Of course the addition of different elements cause there to be what some would consider various sub-groups within the Lolita style to be taken into account. To name a few there are:

  • GoruLoli (Involves Gore)-
    • This style is not as commonly found as some of the others. It tends to pertain to lolita styled outfits which include bandages, blood, scars, etc. Some other names it has been called are HorrorLoli, PainfulLoli, where as some just consider it a type of cosplay. (It is neither a style I particularly have any interest in but I figured if I am to discuss Lolita I should discuss all the various aspects of it.)
    • An example:

  • WaLoli (Involves Traditional Japanese Clothing modified to fit with Lolita style)-
    • Waloli can be identified by its usage of traditional Japanese clothing. Kimonos or hakamas will be modified to adhere to common Lolita fashions. There are different styles of alterations. For example, the bottom of the garment will be altered so that a petticoat may fit beneath it. Or one may even see the kimono blouse styled with a Lolita skirt. Haori/adult-sized hifu-vests may also be seen. Accessories and shoes for this style include what one would traditionally wear, such as kanzashi flowers, and geta, zori, or Okobo.
    • An example:

  • QiLoli-
    • The counterpart to WaLoli is QiLoli. Instead one would use traditional Chinese articles of dress with their Lolita garments. Modified qipao and cheongsam-dresses, for example, for use with a petticoat. Plat-form slippers and bun covers as well can be seen.
  • OujiLoli (Male Lolita but can be worn by females as well)-
    • What one would use to tell a OujiLoli from the rest would be if they are seen wearing: masculine blouses/shirts, knickerbockers/short trousers, knee high socks, top hats, newsboy caps, and the like.

  • PunkLoli-
    • As soon as one begins to incorporate tattered fabrics, safety pins, chains, screen-printed fabrics, plaids, and short, colouful androgynous hairstyles we get PunkLoli. It is very easy to tell this one because Punk is Punk no matter where you go.
    • h.NAOTO Spring '08 Collection:

  • ClassicLoli-
    • This style looks more Baroque, or Rocaille even. They speak in a far more formal and reserved manner and dress accordingly. It is meant to look sophisticated, elegant. The accessories can be seen as far more functional ones than some of the counterparts to this style.
    • Juliette et Justine Onepieces:

  • GosuLoli (GothicLoli)-
    • Though Japanese Gothic fashion trends can be traced back towards the 1980's, during the spread of the New Wave movement, the scene out there is far different from the scene out west. If you know what Goth is then you can safely picture what a Lolita in a Gothic style like clothing would be. The atmosphere they carry, their personality, etc will all be very Goth. Goth is Goth is it not? You can tell GosuLoli by its use of much darker make up, clothing, and themes in the design. It is categorised by its use of black and white, though many colours such as purples and dark blues will be seen. Fabrics do not contain as many detailed prints, as some of the counterparts do, either. (The KuroLoli -GosuLoli- subset strictly adheres to a black on black rule of dress.) Make up styles will include, to name a few; red lipstick, smoky/neatly defined eyes, But one must note that the make up style is a lot lighter and far less dramatic than one would see in Western Gothic Styles. Some newer styles though will show lighter colour in make up styles but the dark eyes are retained. Accessories can range from numerous religious symbols, such as crosses. (I myself own a Middi-Nette Malice Mizer Klaha Era Cross from the Cathedral de la Rose fotobook release.)

  • AmaLoli (AKA SweetLoli the opposite of GosuLoli)-
    • This style is considered by some to be the cuter more innocent of all the styles. A lot of pink, bows, laces can be seen worn by people of this style. A lot of all white outfits or all pink outfits will be seen. Also, a lot of deserts/sweets prints can be seen on the pieces. The jewelery will also have many sweets/deserts. Some consider it a fantasy-esque theme. Some also include ShiroLoli (all white could be considered the counterpart to KuroLoli?) and CountryLoli (gingham print) as a part of this theme.

There are numerous "common" articles always worn in Lolita:

  • knee length skirt/dress
  • headdress
  • blouse
  • petticoat
  • knee length socks/stockings
  • rocking horse/high heel/platform shoes
  • teddy bears/dolls(Super Dollfies) ((Mostly worn when striving for AmaLoli style.)
The Lolita Stigma:

Because the term Lolita is a direct reference to the novel written by author Vladimir Nabokov, it has the stigma for being an overtly sexual style. But followers of the style will attest that they consider it something that does not necessarily have anything at all to do with sex but that it is a cute style meant to illustrate innocence and youthfulness. This can be attributed to the supposed inherently cultural Japanese appreciation of youth and cuteness.

Famous labels include (among others):

  • Pink House (L.)
  • Milk (L.)
  • Baby, The Stars Shine Bright (L.)
  • Metamorphose temps de fille (L.)
  • A+Lidel (PL.)
  • Putumayo (PL.)
  • h. NAOTO (PL.)
  • Na+H (PL.)
  • Moi-même-Moitié (Mana's famed GL label.)
  • Atlier Boz (GL.)
  • Juliette et Justine (CL.)
  • Innocent World (CL.AL.)
  • Victorian Maiden (CL.)
  • Mary Magdalene (CL.)
  • Angelic Pretty (AL.)

Elegant Gothic Aristocrat/Lolita:

This style and terminology were first coined by Mana of Malice Mizer. So, to most truly adhere to this style would mean wearing Moi-même-Moitié clothing or clothing styled to adhere to what you would find at Moi-même-Moitié.
  • Madam- The term for female EGL styled clothing.

  • Sir/Aristocrat- The term for male EGL styled clothing (worn by females).
It is uncommon to find males who dress in these manners. When a male is seen in Lolita styled clothing it is strictly in adherence to what the females are seen wearing, either that or they are simply cross dressing. (AGLSID)


I actually do not know too much about decorer but it is quite cute and I like it.
It contains a lot of accessories and a lot of colours worn simultaneously. It is a very fun looking style though I do not know how anyone can handle having so many things strewn upon them at once.

Links for further references (or links that pertain to trends not discussed because I have no interest in them but thought others might.):
  • A very useful site I considered during my writings:
  • Official FRUiTS Site:
  • Tokyo Street Style:
  • Numerous images of various fashions seen in Harajuku:
There are plenty of sites one can go to for more information on Japanese Fashions. Especially if you are interested in the fashions I chose not to mention. These links are a mere few to get you started. So, I hope this serves well as an introduction to these various styles. Please of course do your own research if your interest has been piqued.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Host Clubs? 何?

A recent CNN special called Geisha Guys spurred a conversation in a music forum I visit on occasion.
My first point goes to CNN: Geisha Guys? Really? Seriously guys, you could have come up with something better.
Secondly, the first time hosts happened to come to my attention was when a friend linked me to a japanese animation she had recently become completely obsessed with. Ouran High School Host Club (If I have the title wrong forgive me, I have no head for keeping in track, the names of things, to be sure, as we all know). The animation is enjoyable and fun, though it really did nothing to truly interest me other than a curiousity to see how it ends... in some point in time in the future... for I have not watched it in months, because of the lack of true depth to the show. The show gives an insider look at what a high school host club, formed at a ritzy school for students of wealth, does as hosts and the comical trouble they seem to always find themselves in. Of course true host clubs are not like the one depicted in this except for the similarities in services. (Except, I have not heard of a host club that sells lovely sweets and tea as their main items as opposed to alcohol, hahaha.)
Thirdly, hosting has become, what I would consider unfortunately, something acceptable and at times even glamour in the public eye. You can find it in numerous non-fiction, as well as fiction, books, mangas, animations, films, documentaries, etc.

A general description on host clubs would be this:
There are both host clubs tailoured towards women and hostess clubs tailoured towards men.
Both with the same basic job description.
Age range is usually between 18-mid 20's. Many foreigners will also take on this job when they move to Japan as a means to make easy money. Oftentimes, illegally, due to lack of work visas.
As a host you must not only make sure your customers drink (which you pour for them), a lot, but also flirt, and entertain them in anyway. Be it magick trick, story telling, karaoke, etc. The key is to get the customer attached and have them coming back for more.
Hosts are paid based off of commissions from drink sales. If a customer decides to keep one host as their favourite for return visits that host will always receive a portion from that customers drink sales. Unless, there is a special circumstance or the customer conferences with the owners, quite a few host clubs will not allow you to change from host to host, either. Drinks can go from 1000 yen around (10 USD) but can reach around 3 million yen (USD 25,000). Because business is based off commissions, it is an extremely competitive job to have. Minimum wage is very low and hosts who are unable to make more will usually drop out because of this.
Tabs can be set up for customers when they cannot at the time afford their host habit. ID, fone number, as well as address are taken down for when the time comes for the host to collect their pay. Though, there are plenty of customers who do not pay or become unruly or troublesome in anyway they can be banned, though anything they do not pay for, the host will in turn becomes liable for the payment. The same with customers who do not pay off tabs, this becomes the hosts responsibility. Hosts can oftentimes become entirely in debt depending on how much the customer has left the company without. They will make house calls, even visits to make sure they get their payment when it is due. Many hosts have a work fone for contacting customers and a private fone for their personal lives.
Hosts or other employees will at times walk around outside near the host bar looking to entice new customers.
Some hostesses even have to go on paid dates with customers outside of work. Some owners make these dates mandatory and deductions will be made if quota is not met, though the commissions system is also still in place (which may or may not make up for it). Rumour has it some are even paid extra for sexual acts given on these dates.
Leaving a customer alone is bad manners and can cause trouble for the host.
The job does come with many dangers, there are cases where hostesses have been kidnapped, raped, and murdered by obsessive customers.

My opinion on host clubs/hosts:

I feel that something is to be said in a world where host clubs are considered something of the norm. Hosts are usually people who cannot get regular jobs, or people who are desperate for fast cash. Many hosts develop alcohol problems, and many become full of guilt because of what the job entails. A host has to act, for hours, as someone they are not to please someone they do not actually care for just for money. They lose themselves in the job. It is a wearisome job with many stresses. Hosts spend so much time at their job being someone there not that they become lonely, depressed individuals.
I feel pain for these hosts. Their customers become obsessed, and turn them into competitions between themselves to see which of them can truly win him/her. But the hosts are the ones who go home in the end feeling empty, and used up. Sure, they may have money, but they have also lost their dignity, through the process. In the end they are still alone, and must have so many troubles finding someone to actually be with (as though they would have the energies to do so) because if you think about it what sane woman would want to date a host?

My opinion on the customers:

These people are obviously not getting something from the current state of their lives that they need replaced with fake emotions. Many customers become obsessed, or fall "in love" with their hosts, something which I find to be rather pathetic. To fall head over heels for the character you are paying for someone to play for you? Allowing a facade to turn you into a crazed freak? These women, and men, become individuals who have trouble in real relationships because they focus themselves so heavily on this dream they are paying someone for. It is a very sad case both ways.

Perhaps if people were more honest, caring, sympathetic, whatever, we would have no need for jobs of this nature.

Links for more information. Have a go at it. See what you think in the end:


Monday, April 7, 2008


It is the start of my second week home.
I really truly miss Japan.
I have found that talking about my trip is also not something I really like doing.
It was so amazing that as selfish as it may sound... I do not want the memories depleted from being shared with too many.
With people who do not understand, care, etc.
I loved it there. It was an amazing time. I cannot wait to go back.
X Japan amazes me to the point where there are no words in any language to truly explain how the concert was or how their music makes me feel.

For now I shall move on to other things. Because I am happy with what I have said so far for you all.

There is this new site I have been playing around on.
I really love fashion. It is a large passion of mine. This site is fashion oriented, cute, and fun. Basically, if you want to join let me know I will send you an invite and explain everything to you in English/Spanish.
Here is my Poupe Girl. You will see the outfits change daily as I change her. I hope to keep it up daily. But we all know that I easily get bored and so there will probably come a time when she is updated less frequently. Poor dear, www.
poupeegirl fashion brand community

Haha, my friends say I dress her in fashions that are very much what I would wear in real life. Ironically, I always try and dress her differently than my preferences. But, I guess that is not really possible.

I have mostly been working.
I am going on quite a few trips this year.
Which means money... lots of it.
So, my goal is to get my license, a second job, a credit card of my own, and to sign up for the frequent flier miles program.
With all the traveling I do and will be doing in the future it seems wise to me to sign up for something that can get me free tickets or cheaper ones. I also need to make uni decisions. Which get harder each and every day. If anyone would not mind too much to talk college, major, careers, and the future, please I beg of you let me know. I am flailing in indecision. I wish I only had one passion and not a trillion. It would make all this so much simpler.

Let us hope that I can accomplish all of these before June the 2nd.
I am such a procrastinator I need to give myself so much time to get things done, hahaha.

I have also been playing this challenging but entertaining game... that I did not expect to be so challenging. It is called Professor Layton and the Curious Village. So, expect a full report on that baby when it is beaten!

Oh I almost forgot. D's new single will be out soon! They posted a musical clip of it on their website (Are those VIOLINS I HEAR??? D: YES! PWNAGE! D! I LOVE YOU! .flail..composesself.):
Please listen to it. It is quite lovely! Thank you!

Here is some music to keep you happy as you read, live, love, and enjoy.

For now I shall go and upload more fotos on to pupe for more ribbons.
Ciao Bellaz~~~