Saturday, November 27, 2010

Down, Down, Down we soared.

I wanted to blog today.
I had a lot of thoughts and inspiration.
I'm not sure where it went.
But I feel silly not posting something at least.

Especially when I had already titled it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Vyou, Vme, Vfashion.

There's this new curious little site called Vyou.
It seems to be a convergence of youtube/formspring...and fun?
Either way, I have created one in the hopes of taking my fashion blog a step further.
I want to get things on track and truly start blogging about the world I am trying to become a part of. Nothing new, I am aware. But I hope you will be along for the ride.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

In a House Beneath the Sea~

We tell ourselves we are no better, no more, no less.
It's funny, you find someone to be your friend...until you actually propose doing something with them outside of your usual chats online, in class...well then that's just no good for them. Not even a no is deserved. Just a chortle and a log off.

I find myself struggling more and more.
The world is not a kind place, yet we're expected to deal with it.

I'm going to watch a Brittany Murphy movie, with a poor rating, and decide to love it. Regardless, if it lacks, or gains, or has many misplaced commas, and misplaced desires and dreams, any quality or substance.

I will do this while working on my sketch midterm.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Guess I'm Dreaming Again~

It's an "I want to watch Ponyo and eat popcorn while curled up next to my family, and his dumbbutt" kinda night.

Left work early because the store died around 345.
Which sucks because we have a lot of things on sale,
which makes it hard to meet our quotas...

Even the menswear~

I am tired of the nightmares I have been having.
I guess when you dream about being eaten alive, or watching someone get eaten alive, you are upset about something you aren't dealing with.

What could I not be dealing with???

My brain.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Draping. Sketching. Sewing. Sleepy.

My first dress draped on the bias is due today.
Let me tell you, Oh the changes I would make.
Though, I will say I am glad that I finally feel that I understand the project.
I understand what we did.
How to get where we got.
All of it.
I just wish I had understood it...
Prior to last night~ ~_~

I am waiting for the sketch workshop,
since I couldn't find anyone to go Ihop with me.
Which let's be honest, coupon or no coupon I am spending more money than I posses.

I am also apartment hunting, and I swear it gets harder every time I search.
If anyone has any suggestions let me know.

I'm going to be updating my deviant art more frequently,
and hopefully documenting my growth as an artist and a designer.
I welcome any and all open critiques.
I'll link it in an upcoming post.

Anyway, I'm chilly and my deformed feet are sure feeling it.
I also have a rip in my jeans...granted I've owned them since I believe junior high, but I hope they don't die. ;_;

I feel that my blog...has never truly found its voice?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Kindly, no thank you.

That's right,
You are the assistant manager of a retail store.
You are very brilliant and important.
You have obtained the right to speak to your employees,
at least the newer ones, with such authority and with a need to demean.
You have made it to the top.
You are the princess on the hill.
How proud you must be, and all who know you must be.

How unfortunate, that you think you are worth more than you truly are.
For even you are completely replaceable.
Quite frankly, when I actually do rise to a position of minute power.
I will be a far kinder, less frail minded person; than you.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
You'll never amount to more.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Blackness in Your Heart Won't Last Forever.

I am like a specter.
You may see me.
You may hear me.
But I am not really here.
I do not affect the world around me.

I am not really alive.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Have You Found Her Yet?

Sometimes I can't figure out what I am going to do with my life.
Am I ever going to feel like I am going in the right direction?
I wish I could trust the people around me.
I just want my head to feel light again.

I will close my eyes and find solitude in the darkness of my mind.
That is where I can see the light that is shining around me as brightly as the sun.

I don't ever want to lose my sun.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sometimes I Just Can't Face You.

I hate the impermanence of pencils but I hate the permanence of pens.
What do I like?

The idea that everything is one day lost and the idea that some things may never be forgotten scares me. Does anything not cause me fear? Everything exhausts me.
When will I feel young?

Sometimes I think life is easier with my eyes closed...
but then I realise my dreams cause as much fear in my heart as my daytime reality. Will I ever find freedom in my life or my dreams?

I am tired of all the questions.
I feel unsure, uneducated, and immature.

It is already week 2 for the quarter.
Time is flying by through this quarter as well and I fear I won't be able to keep up as classes get harder. I don't feel strong enough to do this as successfully as someone else I don't feel on par knowledge-wise as others here. Why do I always feel like less than the rest of my peers? Am I so small-minded?

Your Work is Appreciated.

Thoughts going through my head before my speech:
"Time to die via total speech disaster.
I am already exhausted and I have only just arrived at class.
I think I am going to pule.
I need to relax.
I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
I. Can. Do. This.
I. Can. Do. This.
Estoy estresada.
Me duele todo.
La cabeza.
La barriga.
It's just a story.
I can do this.
Just a story.
You can tell a story.
You can tell a story!"

Estoy temblando.

Well, that went terribly, but... oh well... that's life.
I don't know how my next one is going to go...
If this one went that badly...

The speech a classmate gave was far worse than what I had anticipated.
I am glad she did it.
But I am also glad the teacher allowed her to stop.
I think her friend is watching over her with kindness.

We might only have two speeches.
Which as great as that sounds, I might be ending up with a C- at that rate.
Less speeches means harder grading.
I guess maybe that means I won't be joining Phi Theta Kappa next quarter.
Some of these stories make me wonder what people are thinking when they plan good stories to tell a large group of people.
These speeches are exhausting me, some of these are seriously only two seconds long.
Why was I up there for so long!

At the end of class I asked him for some advice for next week.
He feels I need to slow down, but did say that I sound mature for my age.
That was something I was glad for, as I had figured I would sound too youthful.

I need to prepare for net week and prepare now.
I have decided to make my topic about multiple births.

Maybe more blogging later.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Is That Your List?

Sometimes when I close my eyes I forget that I too am human.
What a cruel joke waking up always is.

I want a pair of wings that don't come with a price tag or elastic bands.

It's funny to think about a book of blank pages for some reason the empty lines appeal to me more than once they are covered with tiny thoughts by unsteady hands.
Is it too much to ask for endless possibility?

To be completely honest, I think maybe, just a little, I worry too much. I am an over-thinker. I analyze and reanalyze and then analyze some more.
I always say that I don't know what's wrong with me but maybe that's the point...maybe it is nothing?
I'm not broken?

It's All in the Business~

Sometimes, I wonder who is it that we really are?
Or at least think we are?

Our lives tend to cater to the same tune.
We are born, grow, and die.
We learn, study, do, and educate.
We laugh, hurt, love, want, and need.
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and ...

We are all the same.
But we all feel apart.

Some more tired than others.
Some more knowledgeable than others.

We have quiet ones and loud ones.
Kind ones and mean ones.
Complicated and simple.
On and on and on and ...

For some we are fighting.
For something we are working towards.

Some of us feel there is something more to come.
Some of us feel what we have now is all we get.

We are all held up by tiny strings.
The strings in our hearts connect us to each other.
They hold us apart even with the connection they offer.

We are all so self involved and selfish in one way or another.
Even when we feel we aren't, we are somewhere and in some way.

Do you think we'll ever get over ourselves?
Do you think we'll ever find our strings and be grateful for them?

Maybe we should cut the strings and start again?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am not excited for my speech class.
But I have accomplished my first speech.
I decided to write about my concert experience, and how a "friend" wasn't much of a friend.
I'm not sure it's the most exciting story but:
It meets the criteria-
It's not something too in the past that I will easily forget-
If I do it is recent enough I can improv-

Anyway, have a read for yourselves and let me know what you think:

The lesson I learned over break last quarter is: always have a back-up plan. I got a call from a long time friend telling me that this band we saw together at the Tokyo Dome, was going to be playing right here at the Wilshire in Los Angeles. I told him I wasn’t too keen on going as it wasn’t really in my budget to be attending concerts, but after him listing off all the reasons I should go, and promising to take me to the aeroport the next day, and "guilting" me into it I bought my ticket and called my family up to let them know I’ll be staying here about a week longer than was planned on. Thursday night I send him a text to call me when he gets off work. We talk about the when he’s going to come pick me up, and that he is going to talk with his other friends about when we’re going to get in line. He wanted to camp out early, and even though I wasn’t really into that I figured as he was going to be my ride I really shouldn’t complain. We hung up agreeing he would call me in the morning and I went to bed. That morning came and went and I didn’t hear from him. I figured he must have slept in so I went to my friend’s house hung out, ate dinner and headed home. I started cleaning around the apartment figuring; well maybe he got called into work. He usually works the night shift so I figured he’d probably call me late and so I should get my things ready and make us some dinner. He’d been having financial difficulties and I figured it’d be nice to have something to eat when he stopped by since I know he’d been skipping meals to save money. More time passed, I called him twice and texted him twice and then after cleaning and putting dinner away I sat down to watch my drama and when three AM rolled around I figured maybe he fell asleep right when he got home after work and I’d hear from him in the morning. I woke up at around 8:24 in the morning and sent him a short text, but decided to call him instead. I figured it’s way too late to be courteous and after standing me up he had no reason not to get up when I called. He picked up the phone and told whomever he was talking to in person to hold on a second before greeting me. I asked him where he was, and he responded that he had been waiting in line since the afternoon the day before. I told him I didn’t understand, since he was supposed to be my ride to the show and call me. He cut in saying “Yeah I know sorry, dude”. I told him I’d rather take the bus and hung up on him. In the end after fuming, I booked a shuttle to the aeroport. I head to the subway, I get hassled by some creeper guy trying to pick me up and finally make it to the show. Even though I was on my own for the show I had a great time meeting people who had flown in from Japan to come see the show, and when the night came to a close I took a taxi home. Though, things didn’t work out how I had expected, I did learn that just because you’ve known someone for a few years doesn’t mean they’re above stepping all over you for their own benefit, and you better have a back-up plan so that you don’t end up in a situation that will either jeopardize your safety or end up costing you quite a bit of money.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Back in Session.

Don't ask how I managed it.
Actually, wish I had done better.
Could have sworn I had posted this already but... Apparently not.

I managed to get Honour Roll. 2 A's and 2 B's.
I am happy with myself for putting forth effort.
I would like to best myself this quarter.

I don't ever expect all A's because I expect to be learning.
Through learning comes faltering.
Perfection means there is nothing left to learn.

If I were anywhere near the perfection I'd like to attain, I wouldn't be wear I am now.

I'll update for real soon. I promise.

Friday, September 3, 2010


Today was interesting.

Met Mimu at the sketching workshop Radenbaugh has. We have realised that we have no idea how we will complete 5 croquis with 5 hands, faces, and shading within the 2 and a half hour time limit. I was only able to complete 1 and a half. Her 1. That is without... shading...ugh... It is 70% of our grade. If we do not do well ... we do not pass. An entire quarter of wasted time, if we cannot pass. Teacher thinks we are freaking out for nothing... we do not agree.

We then spent lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was delicious. Oh my goodness, if it were cheaper I would eat there every day. No joke. Definitely worth it.

Afterwards, we spent the rest of our afternoon in the sewing room. Accomplishing little but at the same time a lot. I keep trying to tell myself, and Mimu that we are beginners we will get there. But... even I doubt myself when it takes me so much time to attach one sleeve to one cuff to one bodice and overlock all my seams. SIgh. The stress is getting to us. Quarter end is near and how I fret. I just want to do well. I am so worried for my grades to come back. We have one last project for Colour and Design and I need to complete the retail and the group project for History of Costume as well. I meet my group tomorrow a little after ten as I need to purchase a shirt and get ten dollars for Elizabeth to get our group logo placed on them. Retail I hope to do on Sunday at the Grove. My free hand Matisse I think will be as close to a ballerina as I can get without a drawing or exacto knife. But mostly this weekend will be sketchsketchsketchsketch...

Except first day of work at Express. I am so nercous. I hope I can do well...better than well. Wish me luck everyone. I am going to continue this film I am watching called Outsourced.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Stolen Sleeves.

Today, what a day.

Good news, my colour and design teacher actually enjoyed my painting.
I have finally done something to please her!
Though, I am quite jealous of another student's shading techniques.
oh, had only we used oil. Then I could have shown them all!

Ah, then came sewing.
Disastrous. Fought with my machine. Moved machines. Fought with new machine. Fought with sleeve. Fought with placket and cuff, (SP?). Moved machines. Fought some more. Finished sleeve.
Borrowed sleeve and placket from other student to create a new one from scratch. Thank goodness I brought my ruler with me for once.

Tomorrow, Sketch lab and more sewing as blouse is due next Thursday and I need to study the previous seams and tucks we learned for the final exam.
Sigh my stomach is in a bind.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Headache day continues.
Motivation-less day continues.
I am drained.
I do not feel it is school.
But I do feel something is draining me.

Do you ever wonder if sometimes there is someone or something out there doing all it can to zap your life force?

Catfish looks interesting but I think someone posted the spoiler on the website. I hope that is not how it ends, I will be so peeved.

Interview went okay. Could have gone better. But for some reason I lost my tongue.
This is causing me to feel nervous about my first day on the job, come Saturday.

I have also lost my appetite again.
I have eaten but only out of habit.
I wonder when it will come back?

We all have dreams.
We all want to be free and unique.
When are we going to realise, there's not much one can do, to be different?
We are all the same.

I am heartbroken.

PS. He makes me feel better. He really seems to love me. My heart is filled with what my sister calls flutterbys. I have missed him so much.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hot and Cold.

Today was one of those days.
But it feels like one of those days has been going on for weeks.

Interview tomorrow.

Might go apply for the Mode on Thursday at 11:15AM.
It's our schools magazine. I guess they need a lot of writers.
Roomie thinks I should do it. Man, what a rejection if I don't, haha.

My body can't decide the temperature.
I hope I haven't caught anything.
I'm going to get something to drink and head for bed.
I need to get up early to prepare for 2 workshops and the interview and tidy up my assignment Thursday.

I want to be a real lifestyle lolita.
I want to be demure.
I want talent.

Monday, August 30, 2010


So, I accomplished no sketching yesterday.
Today is my last day to be able to procrastinate and I cannot recall what the assignment was in the first place.

I have a migraine causing my left eye to feel like it's been stabbed. Multiple times.
Though, I hope that it will start to subside shortly as I really have wasted enough of my day doing nothing as it is.

Next time our roommate decides to raise the thermostat to 75 degrees when she crawls into the apartment at god knows when; there will be hell.
Day 1: Agreement was made to keep at 65 during the evening.
Therefore you need to STOP SHUTTING OUR BEDROOM DOOR AND RAISING IT TO WHATEVER DEGREE YOU STOP AT. 75 is not even the worst it's been. It was 80 one night.
80 DEGREES? Quit turning the AC off you disrespectful tart.

I really need to not blog when I am crotchety.

PS I had a chance to confront her about the AC and I chickened out like a little buffoon..... =_=

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pretty Little Things.

I have just updated the layout of my blog, and used one of the new offered templates because I actually think it's quite lovely. Besides it's time for a change.

I have also created a Polyvore account into which I have published two new sets. You can find an image link in the above left corner.

School has been a tad hectic. But I feel I have learned a lot. We get a three week vacation coming up mid September and I am quite excited.

I was recently hired at Express my first day of work is on Saturday. I have an upcoming interview on Wednesday with the Limited along with my roommate. Cross your fingers for us!

My sewing class I feel is my favourite. The most interesting and challenging. I feel I have grown in leaps and bounds and hope that my blouse at the end of this quarter comes out wonderfully.

I need to finish one last set of two paragraphs describing the zeitgeist of the times. Then my History of Costume notebook will be complete. Hopefully, at that point I can move forward into the final painting for my Colour and Design Theory course. Then of course last minute sketches like always for FS1 class, haha.

I hope everyone is well.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


The school is being of no help in getting me my insurance reactivated.
Though my adviser is nice and always offering to help, she doesn't pull through like other students' advisers.
Also, never heard back from housing.
I'm getting really upset about the way a lot of things are going.


I feel as though my life is still in shambles,
as much as it has ever been.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I do wonder, if I will ever deserve, any of it.
Who am I to think that one day...
One day someone will choose me.
Someone will think I am special.
I am worth it.
Me, above anyone else.

Who am I to think, love is real?

Friday, July 9, 2010


I am studying Colour and Design Theory through a book called: Design Basics.
Needless to say, I do not enjoy the way it is written.
I also feel I cannot grasp this work of art:
What the artist is trying to say. Or why it is a work of art in general.
Maybe someone can explain to me?

I am going to do what Zefrank recommended oh so long ago.
Read next day, while taking notes.

I think that will be the best way to absorb all this information.
Giving me time tonight to cut out the rest of my patterns and paint more primary colour blocks.

Went to the store and the hole punch doesn't work.
Yay! for broken purchases.
Our toaster also doesn't work :D

My feet are killing me.
Today is cranky day.

Going to go cut out some patterns.
Maybe update again later with a less grumpy post.

Day 1.

Lots of things to carry down 6 blocks and up 5 flights of stairs.
I am exhausted and my feet are killing me.

I am scared.
But I am also not scared.

I think I can do this.
Please everyone, have faith in me.
Give me strength to do this.

Because I am nervous.

I need this.

I need a success.

I need to feel good once again.

I need to do something with my life.

Everyone keeps saying,
"Be selfish Caro. It's your turn to be selfish."
But I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to be selfish.

I really wish someone was holding my hand right now.
That I could crawl into bed with them.
Not be afraid of the nightmares and monsters.
Listen to their heart and hear them breathe.

I just want to sleep and wake up knowing.
Knowing this was the right decision.
I just want to wake up, in loving arms.

When did I become so pathetic?
I never needed anyone other than myself.
Who am I now?

In a little home by the sea, there she wished she could be set free.
But little monsters by the sea, they never find a true way to be, anything other than little monsters by the sea.

Who will show you the way to happiness?
Because the person holding the light, has to be you.

Maybe if you close your eyes,
close your eyes.
Close. Your. Eyes.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Tomorrow is my first day at uni.
I have a four course schedule this quarter and my next two quarters.
That is all thanks to my transfers.

I am sitting here with my roomie, and though we feel we are wasting time..
We do acquiesce that perhaps we should enjoy our last free evening before the craziness starts. Our courses will be over ten weeks. They meet once a week. Therefore we have ten courses to learn everything from the ground up.

I will be learning how to 10 courses only.
I am panicking.

But, everyone seems to feel that I am more than fully capable.
I need to take the confidence others' have in me and internalize it.
I need to feel confident.
I need work hard.
I need to succeed.

Goal plan: Find a good living arrangement.
Find a job.
Find good transportation arrangements.
Trying not to fall asleep but I really want to take a nap.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


My heart is really hurting.
It never goes away.
How long will it take me, to be human again?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


My life is a mess.
What a mess.
What a mess.
What a mess.

I need advice from a neutral party.

Monday, May 31, 2010


I am scared.
I am anxious.
I am ill most days.
I am nervous all the time.

My head is jumbled and filled with confusion.
I cannot figure out what is going on.
Why any of it is happening.
Why things have gotten this way.

My hands are shaking.
I am hot.
I am cold.

Unwarranted feelings.

Desperation, is an unfriendly emotion.

Friday, May 28, 2010


I have been hurt.
In more ways than one.
I told myself I would not talk to him, but I cannot.
He means too much to me.
I am too worried about him.
But I cannot stop the tears.
I have never felt such pain, in my life.
I thought I was smarter than this.
I thought what we had was real.

I have no clue what is going on with him.
But he will not tell me.
I wish he would just talk to me.
There is no reason we cannot be friends.

I just want him to be happy.
I want him to be loved, it does not matter by who.
Just love, like he deserves.
I want him to succeed.
I want him to know that his friends care.
His family cares.
I care.

Something is wrong, I just want to help.
But I am hurt.
I made him hate me.
I believed a lie.
I was too trusting of someone I never should have trusted.
I did not trust him, like I should have.
I accused him.

But it hurts.
He no longer cares about me.
He no longer respects me.
I do not know what I could have done;
or what has happened, for things to get this way.
This bad.
This fast.

I wish I could move on.
But I have no idea how.
I wish I could let go.
But I miss him too much.

I guess it's true,
I am not worth loving.
I am a an ugly monster.

I want.
To die.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Maybe it is Time.

I feel I have lost you.
Today you sounded better, but when I pointed it out it left so suddenly.
All my words, sound hollow, because none of them reach you.
None of them can heal you.

I sleep each night with things around me that came from you.
But they do not give me the warmth I need.

I know you won't see this now.
You stopped updating your blog, and I know I can write freely;
without the fear I once had, of writing something that would harm you.
Because, as painful as these words are for me, I cannot truly say them aloud.
Nor can I say them to you.

I thought I knew what it meant to give up.
I thought I knew what it meant to be without hope.
And though I have felt staggering pain, from the loss of someone I truly loved;
I lost him to something no one comes back from.
To something we will all one day succumb to.

It's not the same with you.
I didn't watch or know that I was even going to lose him.
But I see you less and less and I feel you less and less.
I am watching you disappear from my view.
With him, it was sudden and devastating.
With you it is slow, cold, and growing.

But he needed his peace.
He needed his rest.

Now I wonder.
You too I feel need your peace but in another way.
I am pushing and pulling at the fragments I once held of you.
But they are no longer mine to hold.
You no longer cry for me.
You no longer want of me.
I do not have the answers you seek.
I don't even know what you're looking for.
I don't even know why you are hurting.

I will not force myself on you any longer.
If the day ever comes when you want of me again, I will come.
My heart belongs to you, and until I've lost you forever, it will always belong to you.

I don't know where you are.

I wish I was strong enough to keep fighting.

I wish you could remember why you loved me in the first place.

But maybe it is time for me to close my heart, and give you your freedom.
Maybe it is time for me to leave.
How I will miss you.

Do I even have the strength to relinquish all of you from me?
I truly don't know.
I miss you.

Forever, I love you, my darling.

Monday, May 17, 2010


I think I might do something drastic to distance myself from this life. I am ill.
I can no longer think straight and I need out.
I need peace.
I just don't know if I can do this alone.
I don't know who to trust.
I can't include my family. Not till it's done.
He can't know. I have destroyed his faith in me.
But where is the trust I had in him?
I am a shell of who I used to be.
As Adam would say, I am like Detroit.

Just set me free, please, let there be a God and set me free.
My heart aches, I need relief. I need out.
Whatever it takes.

I may not survive.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quite quite...quite...quiet.

Been feeling quite ill all week.
My head, my stomach, my sleep.
I mean it's all the same.
It is quite normal for me.
Being this way.

Lately, it's just too much to handle.
What with the way everything is lately.
Everything at work, at home, my ... mmm.

I feel like I'm drowning.
How could everything get so out of my hands.
How could I let everything end up the way it has.

I applied for a scholarship.
I am going to enter a design a little black dress competition.
But I don't know anymore. I don't know.

I'm sure I deserve the outcome of it all.
There's nothing left for me to do.
There's nothing I possibly could do.

I think I am inherently damaged.
I am no good.

My head hurts.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

School Update~

I plan on completing my scholarship project tomorrow afternoon.
My abuela will be in town so it shall be a tad tough to schedule things around her.
I mean family is important but, I hope to have it in the mail Tuesday.
I will get them scanned as well in the evening for me to be able to post online and see if anyone has some constructive criticism.
I hope you guys like them!
It has been a tough path to get the right designs.
The right ideas.
The right fabric.
I am trying to do my best.
The scholarship would be an immense help for me.
Wish me luck~

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I can attest to the fact that people probably treat me like some lost puppy because I have given them that impression of myself. I have allowed it. I admit at times it makes interactions with others simpler as they will lean towards more sincere or compassionate mannerisms than when you show your intelligence.
I feel perhaps it was one of the mistakes I made in my past friendships. I allowed them, all the room, to treat me and view me as they pleased. Then were I to decide something for myself, even something so small as an opinion, it was bad news bears.
I guess I should feel relief when I admit it wasn't all me. I was not the root of everyone's issues. Something other's tried to pin on me. If anything I am quite flabbergasted to think no one felt me important enough to want to continue a friendship. No matter how keenly I tried to please them I have never been found good enough for anyone.
Perhaps, I care too much for other's to wish to care for me. Perhaps, I do not deserve friendship. A truth I may just have to face. I am not deserving of having others care for me. It doesn't matter if I do anything for them, even if at my own expense. I do not deserve friends.

That at least is what my past has taught me.

But I digress. It seems, even now, people, regardless of my attempts to stand my ground or be a more forthcoming individual; give me the same lack of respect ... if that is even the correct word to use? I wonder what it is I'm portraying that says: "Yes please, I need your help. Show me the way, for I am too naive to find it on my own."

What makes so many of you think I'm lost?
That you are above me in your intelligence or mental capacity?
That I am not worthy of your time, attention, respect?
Not even after years of "friendship". What is so wrong with me?

Is it my behaviour? If so which aspect(s)?
My vernacular? Demeanor? Tone of voice?

I accept that I have faults. I painfully accept that perhaps whatever they may be, no one ever finds me worthy.

I would greatly appreciate an honest answer from those who actually know me out in reality. I doubt I will receive any, though I will hope.

I am too tired for this life.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Sometime I realise that perhaps...perhaps I do not have a full grasp on my understanding of my world. My life, seems to be something of a joke, at times. Something that, though I wish I could control it, I do not know how.

How I am so capable of telling myself "no".
I know when to say "no".
I know why to say "no.

Never it seems do I successfully do it.

Do I abstain from drinking and drugs because of the label I have given myself?
Because I truly have self power? Because I know that were I to break it I would truly succumb to the forces within me that strive, so perseveringly to over take me? Or is it because were I to break that label, it would just be one more failure on top of a list of so many?

Food is something, if I am busy, or not thinking I will not know if I have had any or not. Water is the same. But, once this becomes known to me, I will drown myself in water, and then feel ill for days at a time.

Food you see, is a different battle.
I may not be hungry, I may not even want what I am eating. But so help me if I could only wipe it from my consciousness, when there are so many times it consumes me.
I know I am not hungry, I tell myself not to eat, that it will make me feel more ill than I have already. I tell myself it is too late in the evening, it will keep me up late with indigestion, nausea, nightmares.

I do it anyway.
Every time.
The few times I withhold are few and far between.
Small triumphs, that never last.

It is an uphill battle food and I.
If I never ate again I would be happy.
I used to force myself to eat, as it is socially acceptable to eat with others when out at dinner. Rude not to eat what someone offers you.

I don't have a clue what is wrong with me.
Why I do things I know harm me.
When I know to do better, and do so anyway.

Food is not my only enemy. There is my procrastination. My laziness that goes back and forth between overbearing workaholic, to lethargic scum. Things I know I need to do, get out of the way, to continue certain endeavours I have taken upon, that never get accomplished. I start so much, yet finish so little.

Was I always meant to be a failure?
Is it truly all I know?

Will I never be an artist?
Am I truly an analytical fool?

Nothing against those with analytical minds.
But why must I so arduously love something if I was never meant to be a part of it.

Am I just a forgotten fool, who's life was a mere accident.

I mean, I wasn't meant to survive.
Not from birth, not through childhood.
Here I am mostly because of a woman who would never give up on her children.
No matter how weak, ill, fragile.

Did she do me a favour?
A disservice?

Will I ever feel as though I am someone to make her proud?
All I see is ...

All I see is a cadaver with a false sense of entitlement.
False sense of power.
Dwindling breaths, that will soon be for naught.

All I see, is a nobody.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Onetwothreefour. Unodostresquatro. Ichinisanshi. Undeuxtroisquatre.

I find our species curious. I think ideally I would prefer to be a hummingbird.
They're small frail creatures with incredible force in their heart and wings.
Though they are filled with colour, I think I'd prefer to be the new species they have found.
I believe they found them in Colombia.

Tidbit: Over 1100 species of hummingbirds alone have been found there. They have over 91%, if I'm not mistaken, of all bird species in the world.

The new species is black with blue fluff tufts above their little feet and some wild hair.
They're the ones I adore. I hope their extinction isn't as quick as scientists are expecting.

Recently, I have made a tumble. The link is I plan to post things about all my whims. Some of my designs as drawings and once they've been born into this world through fabric and dreams.

I've been thinking that when I leave for school I shall be getting a pet. What kinda puppup should I get? After I graduate I will not only be paying off my debts, starting my career, and saving for my royal dandy piglette. Her name shall be Bofrita. But until then, puppup recommendations please! I am on the hunt.

Last night was rough. Things need to be worked out. But my heart is feeling weak.

Hope you are all well.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

If you could be a star athlete in any sport, which sport would you pick?

I would have to say, I used to have a fave dancer. She was in Ballet Russe, granted she is no longer with us, as her prime time was the days of her youth, and the days of Ballet Russe's prime as well... her name has currently escaped me. But she was a beauty. Grace embodied. Perfection.

Ask me anything

Thursday, March 11, 2010

All Night Long.

As far as punctuation goes, I have always leaned towards the ".". It is clear. Concise. To the point.
Funny how it is still fully capable of misconstruing any situation. There's irony in that I think.

I have two possible designs floating around in my head now. A third I hope is to come soon. I have picked what I will use as my common thread. Discussing it with Guinea definitely helped. Let's see if I will get to sketching soon. Still need to get swatches as well.

Long day at work. Unbeknownst to a coworker, she flits back and forth in my mind through ignorant bumpkin and caring uncultured yet essentially good. Can she really think a stay at home mom of three who only recently has had to struggle financially is worse off than a mother who has single handedly struggled through all possible hardships with four children?

I'll never understand the bubbles people live in.

I don't understand how if I commit a similar act as another, prior to or after their committing it; why I doing it is some sort of ridiculous or awful act.

I seem to be perpetually apologizing for actions I have or have not comitted. Anything from a sneeze to a hiccough. A question or a statement I hinted at without being aware.

Was life always meant to be so overwhelming and painful?

Will I always feel swollen with failure? Fatigue? Apathy?

Am I even human?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Working le Blog.

So, I am at work testing out my new mobile.
Texting with it truth be told is quite slow.
I miss having a keyboard but I refused to give up a charms holder, you know me!

Anyway, it's March. Have you all noticed that? I am freaking out. School starts in July... on the 5th.
Oh. My. Goodness.

I'm trying for a scholarship offered by the school.
Ughhh and I'm at like a mental blockade. I am freaking out. I decided I should submit men's wear designs.
Phew, what was I thinking no wonder most people do women's wear... ohhhh I despair.

I'm on my lunch break and sometimes it makes me seriously question society. <_<…

They're good people for the most part but... merrr let's be polite. It does show the repercussions of lax education. But what can you do. It's America freedom and power and all that.

My brothers have also been causing a lot of shenanigans lately. Not doing homework. Arguing and taking it further than necessary with our mom. Causing , basically general strife at home. They'll be sixteen this Saturday... oooh boy.

Anyway, that's just a small update for now.
More panic filled blogs to come.
Fooor suuure.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

CoCo Chanel.

I just saw the film documenting the famed designers life.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
She is such an inspiration.
I really feel everyone should see this film.
She worked until the day she died.
She was 71.
What a legacy it is that she created, and continues to exist today.
Such charm, elegance, poise, and defiance.
She embodies all the things that I admire.
I just wish she had been someone I could have known.
Worked with.
Regardless, I am so glad I purchased the film when I saw it.
I hope that even I do not create a legacy such as she did...that I too one day am able to accomplish my dreams.
Fashion is not an easy path.
But with perseverance I hope to succeed.
I am trembling in fear and anticipation for school.
I need to work on the designs for the scholarship.
But boy...I am at a standstill.
It must be big and concise.
Oh my nerves,

Sunday, February 7, 2010


Things are very different now.
Very difficult.

They say as you get older you grow wiser.
So, I'm not sure why it is I feel weaker and more confused as time goes on.

I don't see what makes them think they are so wise anyway.
We all live the same lives.
We all voice the same cries of joy of sorrow.
But at the same time we consider everyone to live a completely different, separate life from the herd.
I don't think it's our situations that make up who we are.
Not our pasts.
Not our actions.
But how those actions are defined in the end.
How we view all those little pieces.
That is what defines our lives and our uniqueness.

My head hurts a lot these things.
Swirls of unformed thoughts, phrases, words, names, etc. overtake my mind.
I find reading difficult, I find working difficult.
I feel trapped in my head.
Who I am in here is not who I am out there.
What I am capable of in here, neither translates or actualises itself out there.

I am tired of the past.
I am tired of the future.
I can't even begin to acknowledge the present.
I'm tired of the silent throbbing in my head.

I wish I were an idiot.
They say idiots are the truly happy.
Nothing clouds their views, their minds are free to enjoy.

How you can enjoy what you do not comprehend is beyond me.
But it would be nice to feel at peace, for just a little while.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Oh baby, I think you are smoking~

Sometimes I think people have a tendency to forget that words are more powerful than the sword.
So to speak.
Sometimes is more often than it should be.
I think it is hard for us to understand what we are capable of.
What we can cause, not only through words but through our emotions, and the vibes we give off to others.
I think it's hard to also see outside of our own versions of the truth.

But if we think about it, for us to be able to truly understand others we need to understand ourselves.
When we find we rarely trust, like, or understand ourselves; how can we do the same for others?

I wonder if one day human kind will be able to look outside of themselves, and see the world through unveiled eyes.

I got one of my dermals out today. I am miserable about it. Learned a lot of new info about them. But at least I know that considering their life spans I have done pretty well with them. I might replace it. I still have the other three, I feel naked and unbalanced. My boyfriend does not really consider it worth it since these piercing are known for not being user friendly but...I am not sure how I feel about not having them. Not positively, that is for sure.

I really want to see Ballet Arizona do Sleeping Beauty on February 13. Hopefully, the tickets are not too costly. I would be so pleased to hear Tchaikovsky's work live, with the grace and beauty of the dancers giving it even more life. I wish my boyfriend could see what I see when I watch ballet.

How I miss dancing.

Hello Kitty band-aid on my wound. Oh Oh Kitty I love you!

Sunday, January 31, 2010


Last night was the AFI concert. I attended it with my boyfriend, my first show with him. It was incredible, to say the least. We had some pizza prior to the show that was quite delicious. Then headed on our way to the theatre. Of course, as most people know driving terrifies me. I have been driving for little over a year now, with little improvement. He says I am doing better but, I am not so sure I agree. That is why I was oh so excited to find us amidst massive road construction, and needed roads or exits being closed and rerouted. Such luck! The show was held at a venue where I have been to more times, than any other. An unexpected one at that, as it is not an arena. Though, AFI has never been much of an arena band. Last night solidifying that opinion, as a fact, in my mind. Their performance, was far more than satisfying. We parked probably over a mile from the show (though it felt like more the first time we walked it). I figured why pay for parking when I have two feet, and a limited budget. Haha, my mother told me I was "el cheapo". Perhaps she is correct with such an assessment. All I know is, I would rather save 5 dollars for something worthwhile, than spend it when I am fully capable of using my two little legs to traipse a mile or so around town. It was a much nicer walk after the show. Strangely enough, as tired as we were, and dehydrated, it seemed an easier more relaxing walk. The cool air, the night sky, the lights shining over the lake. It was quite beautiful, so serene. It was nice to have that time to discuss the show as well. I cannot stress how nice it is, to have someone to talk about this band with. A band that has been an integral part of my life since junior high. A band I have experienced much harassment and hardships for caring so much about. I think for some people it is hard to accept, that just because our passions are not the same, does not entitle you to mock another person's. Different things bring people happiness. Why would you ever feel the need to trump that? Anyway, I digress.

Anyone can tell you, AFI is my most beloved band for various reasons. I could go on forever about them but I will save that for another night. One thing I do know for sure is music has a power to connect people. A power to change people. A power to help people. It has been around for as long as we have. Longer, if you listen to the sounds of the earth as the soundtrack to the natural world's life cycle. There are people who live without it, my mother for example, and it blows my mind. To live without something that to me is as necessary as a beating heart. To close your eyes, feel the sounds course through you. I cannot imagine another reality, the quiet is astounding... but to have no music, no heart? I cannot imagine it. I had not been to a show in a long time. I do hope to attend another soon. I think not going to shows for as long as I have gone without them... about a year according to my man. Unacceptable! Just far too unacceptable.

My top concerts ever, last night included would be: AFI playing with the Cult, X Japan at the Tokyo Dome, as well as seeing The Academy Is... for the first time.

There is one thing I wish I could say to all concert goers. Or rather the ones that irk my goat! When a show is sold out, at a small venue, and for a rather large band... just because you are pushing and shoving and being an all around jerk with all your might does NOT mean you will be able to compress every person in that building into a small enough particle of matter for you to make it to the front of the stage. Not only that, if you were able to get there, the band cannot see you. They will not stare lovingly into your eyes no matter how hard you try for the sole fact that they CANNOT SEE YOU. With all those lights, and all that they are doing on that stage they are far to preoccupied with what they are doing to begin with, to worry about who is in the crowd. From all my experiences on stage, you cannot see anyone. Dancing onstage is not that much different from a musical performance. Nor do musicians have better eyesight that they can see through the glare of those lights. Focus on the performance, give people personal space to breathe, and enjoy the show. Stop being a jerk, stop shoving, and for crying out loud quit crowd surfing. You want to stage dive by all means, but honestly crowd surfers, you are an irksome crowd. Anyway, enough negativity.

Oh, if I have any readers out there, which I doubt but anywho...... I made one of those formspringme things?
Here's the link for anyone interested: I will answer all questions, because the site seems like a very fun thing to do. I have also realised I do not like the home network shopping channels my television has. The announcers irritate me.

My boyfriend would not be pleased if he knew I were awake right now... when I have to be up for work tomorrow. Perhaps, I will write a nicer blog tomorrow. My brain has been on over drive lately. If you cannot tell I am having some difficulty forming sentences. Anywho, sleep well all, I wish you peace.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Mentos. Think Fresh.

Today is another morose day.
I am currently cooking dinner.
Mashed tatoes with corn.
Bbq ribs vegan style.
Let's see if it makes me sick!

-I hate cooking sometimes. But mostly it is because I do NOT enjoy eating.
I guess there is not much I can do for now.
Also, doing dishes are not nice. DX-

I have to admit something...
I truly enjoy lady gaga's music. >_>
Some of it I must admit is quite crazy pants but I really enjoy it.

I am also not sure how to take my new pills.
Guess I will have to read the instructions.
Yay, bilinguality. I realise that is not a word but it SHOULD be a word.
Bilinguality: pertaining to or consisting of someone with the ability to speak two languages.

It has been a long busy week at work.
Yes, I do realise it is only Tuesday.
Now figure out how I feel...
Have you figured it out? Oh yeah, now multiply it by ten.
That is how I will be feeling in school...with maybe a 30 instead of ten multiple.

Anyway, I am still loving Professor Layton's second installment.
I truly wish we got them sooner...though having them every couple of years is rather nice gives you a break and the WANT of it gets stronger. Haha, I am a neeerd I know.

I hope soon to finish reading Emma. I forgot that my coworker/friend wanted to borrow it.
Maybe I will finish it prior to finishing Becoming Jane Eyre.
That way I can tell you guys what I think! You know... I need to get better at reading one book at a time.
No wonder my head is a jumbled mess. I am filled with plot lines from everything like Dracula to...The Pajama Girls of Lambert Sqaure.

Well we'll see how it goes.
I am so tired lately.
Reading is not as enjoyable as it once head is always pounding. Makes it just a tad hard to focus.

Mert...I should use better grammar in my blogs.
I really should not hit the ENTER key as willy nilly as I tend to...we will see how that goes as well.

As for now: I am enjoying Becoming Jane Eyre.
Will finish Emma.
Will finish Professor Layton...
Will probably never finish Scribblenauts without a guide.
-_- Oh yeah I am that angry with it, HAHAHA!

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I don't know what I was thinking.
I really don't.

It's time for a revamp.



I really believe if you change yourself, you can change your surroundings.
By changing your surroundings you can change your community.
When you change your community you take one step closer to helping change the world.

Any nay-sayers can shush because I won't hear it.
One person can make a difference.
All it takes is one person to create a revolution.
One person here, one person there; becomes more and more.
It's simple maths.

I absolutely ADORE Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box.
I will probably go play it some more soon!
I think I was even getting my mother into it a bit.
It's exactly the type of game I feel she'd enjoy because of her mathematical brain.
She does think if it was in Spanish she'd do better though.

Went to the mall with her today.
Hanging out with my mumasita is supep fun!
I bought a nice green top, similar to a blue top I own. But my mother felt I should get the green one and she should come back for the red so we can match, haha.
I got some new pants *much needed* but then realised I've become quite plump.
I truly need to start my old exercise regime.
I feel being a size 8 is completely inexcusable when my body doesn't evenly become rotund just the lower quadrant of my posterior and legs. Oy vey.

I am currently addicted to this song:

He's an artist I feel has such an endearing and strong voice.

I hope you all had a wonderful start to your new year.
Reading your blogs should be quite nice.