Sunday, October 31, 2010

Kindly, no thank you.

That's right,
You are the assistant manager of a retail store.
You are very brilliant and important.
You have obtained the right to speak to your employees,
at least the newer ones, with such authority and with a need to demean.
You have made it to the top.
You are the princess on the hill.
How proud you must be, and all who know you must be.

How unfortunate, that you think you are worth more than you truly are.
For even you are completely replaceable.
Quite frankly, when I actually do rise to a position of minute power.
I will be a far kinder, less frail minded person; than you.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
You'll never amount to more.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Blackness in Your Heart Won't Last Forever.

I am like a specter.
You may see me.
You may hear me.
But I am not really here.
I do not affect the world around me.

I am not really alive.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Have You Found Her Yet?

Sometimes I can't figure out what I am going to do with my life.
Am I ever going to feel like I am going in the right direction?
I wish I could trust the people around me.
I just want my head to feel light again.

I will close my eyes and find solitude in the darkness of my mind.
That is where I can see the light that is shining around me as brightly as the sun.

I don't ever want to lose my sun.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sometimes I Just Can't Face You.

I hate the impermanence of pencils but I hate the permanence of pens.
What do I like?

The idea that everything is one day lost and the idea that some things may never be forgotten scares me. Does anything not cause me fear? Everything exhausts me.
When will I feel young?

Sometimes I think life is easier with my eyes closed...
but then I realise my dreams cause as much fear in my heart as my daytime reality. Will I ever find freedom in my life or my dreams?

I am tired of all the questions.
I feel unsure, uneducated, and immature.

It is already week 2 for the quarter.
Time is flying by through this quarter as well and I fear I won't be able to keep up as classes get harder. I don't feel strong enough to do this as successfully as someone else I don't feel on par knowledge-wise as others here. Why do I always feel like less than the rest of my peers? Am I so small-minded?

Your Work is Appreciated.

Thoughts going through my head before my speech:
"Time to die via total speech disaster.
I am already exhausted and I have only just arrived at class.
I think I am going to pule.
I need to relax.
I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
I. Can. Do. This.
I. Can. Do. This.
Estoy estresada.
Me duele todo.
La cabeza.
La barriga.
It's just a story.
I can do this.
Just a story.
You can tell a story.
You can tell a story!"

Estoy temblando.

Well, that went terribly, but... oh well... that's life.
I don't know how my next one is going to go...
If this one went that badly...

The speech a classmate gave was far worse than what I had anticipated.
I am glad she did it.
But I am also glad the teacher allowed her to stop.
I think her friend is watching over her with kindness.

We might only have two speeches.
Which as great as that sounds, I might be ending up with a C- at that rate.
Less speeches means harder grading.
I guess maybe that means I won't be joining Phi Theta Kappa next quarter.
Some of these stories make me wonder what people are thinking when they plan good stories to tell a large group of people.
These speeches are exhausting me, some of these are seriously only two seconds long.
Why was I up there for so long!

At the end of class I asked him for some advice for next week.
He feels I need to slow down, but did say that I sound mature for my age.
That was something I was glad for, as I had figured I would sound too youthful.

I need to prepare for net week and prepare now.
I have decided to make my topic about multiple births.

Maybe more blogging later.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Is That Your List?

Sometimes when I close my eyes I forget that I too am human.
What a cruel joke waking up always is.

I want a pair of wings that don't come with a price tag or elastic bands.

It's funny to think about a book of blank pages for some reason the empty lines appeal to me more than once they are covered with tiny thoughts by unsteady hands.
Is it too much to ask for endless possibility?

To be completely honest, I think maybe, just a little, I worry too much. I am an over-thinker. I analyze and reanalyze and then analyze some more.
I always say that I don't know what's wrong with me but maybe that's the point...maybe it is nothing?
I'm not broken?

It's All in the Business~

Sometimes, I wonder who is it that we really are?
Or at least think we are?

Our lives tend to cater to the same tune.
We are born, grow, and die.
We learn, study, do, and educate.
We laugh, hurt, love, want, and need.
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and ...

We are all the same.
But we all feel apart.

Some more tired than others.
Some more knowledgeable than others.

We have quiet ones and loud ones.
Kind ones and mean ones.
Complicated and simple.
On and on and on and ...

For some we are fighting.
For something we are working towards.

Some of us feel there is something more to come.
Some of us feel what we have now is all we get.

We are all held up by tiny strings.
The strings in our hearts connect us to each other.
They hold us apart even with the connection they offer.

We are all so self involved and selfish in one way or another.
Even when we feel we aren't, we are somewhere and in some way.

Do you think we'll ever get over ourselves?
Do you think we'll ever find our strings and be grateful for them?

Maybe we should cut the strings and start again?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am not excited for my speech class.
But I have accomplished my first speech.
I decided to write about my concert experience, and how a "friend" wasn't much of a friend.
I'm not sure it's the most exciting story but:
It meets the criteria-
It's not something too in the past that I will easily forget-
If I do it is recent enough I can improv-

Anyway, have a read for yourselves and let me know what you think:

The lesson I learned over break last quarter is: always have a back-up plan. I got a call from a long time friend telling me that this band we saw together at the Tokyo Dome, was going to be playing right here at the Wilshire in Los Angeles. I told him I wasn’t too keen on going as it wasn’t really in my budget to be attending concerts, but after him listing off all the reasons I should go, and promising to take me to the aeroport the next day, and "guilting" me into it I bought my ticket and called my family up to let them know I’ll be staying here about a week longer than was planned on. Thursday night I send him a text to call me when he gets off work. We talk about the when he’s going to come pick me up, and that he is going to talk with his other friends about when we’re going to get in line. He wanted to camp out early, and even though I wasn’t really into that I figured as he was going to be my ride I really shouldn’t complain. We hung up agreeing he would call me in the morning and I went to bed. That morning came and went and I didn’t hear from him. I figured he must have slept in so I went to my friend’s house hung out, ate dinner and headed home. I started cleaning around the apartment figuring; well maybe he got called into work. He usually works the night shift so I figured he’d probably call me late and so I should get my things ready and make us some dinner. He’d been having financial difficulties and I figured it’d be nice to have something to eat when he stopped by since I know he’d been skipping meals to save money. More time passed, I called him twice and texted him twice and then after cleaning and putting dinner away I sat down to watch my drama and when three AM rolled around I figured maybe he fell asleep right when he got home after work and I’d hear from him in the morning. I woke up at around 8:24 in the morning and sent him a short text, but decided to call him instead. I figured it’s way too late to be courteous and after standing me up he had no reason not to get up when I called. He picked up the phone and told whomever he was talking to in person to hold on a second before greeting me. I asked him where he was, and he responded that he had been waiting in line since the afternoon the day before. I told him I didn’t understand, since he was supposed to be my ride to the show and call me. He cut in saying “Yeah I know sorry, dude”. I told him I’d rather take the bus and hung up on him. In the end after fuming, I booked a shuttle to the aeroport. I head to the subway, I get hassled by some creeper guy trying to pick me up and finally make it to the show. Even though I was on my own for the show I had a great time meeting people who had flown in from Japan to come see the show, and when the night came to a close I took a taxi home. Though, things didn’t work out how I had expected, I did learn that just because you’ve known someone for a few years doesn’t mean they’re above stepping all over you for their own benefit, and you better have a back-up plan so that you don’t end up in a situation that will either jeopardize your safety or end up costing you quite a bit of money.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Back in Session.

Don't ask how I managed it.
Actually, wish I had done better.
Could have sworn I had posted this already but... Apparently not.

I managed to get Honour Roll. 2 A's and 2 B's.
I am happy with myself for putting forth effort.
I would like to best myself this quarter.

I don't ever expect all A's because I expect to be learning.
Through learning comes faltering.
Perfection means there is nothing left to learn.

If I were anywhere near the perfection I'd like to attain, I wouldn't be wear I am now.

I'll update for real soon. I promise.