Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How I am so capable of telling myself "no".
I know when to say "no".
I know why to say "no.
Never it seems do I successfully do it.
Do I abstain from drinking and drugs because of the label I have given myself?
Because I truly have self power? Because I know that were I to break it I would truly succumb to the forces within me that strive, so perseveringly to over take me? Or is it because were I to break that label, it would just be one more failure on top of a list of so many?
Food is something, if I am busy, or not thinking I will not know if I have had any or not. Water is the same. But, once this becomes known to me, I will drown myself in water, and then feel ill for days at a time.
Food you see, is a different battle.
I may not be hungry, I may not even want what I am eating. But so help me if I could only wipe it from my consciousness, when there are so many times it consumes me.
I know I am not hungry, I tell myself not to eat, that it will make me feel more ill than I have already. I tell myself it is too late in the evening, it will keep me up late with indigestion, nausea, nightmares.
I do it anyway.
The few times I withhold are few and far between.
Small triumphs, that never last.
It is an uphill battle food and I.
If I never ate again I would be happy.
I used to force myself to eat, as it is socially acceptable to eat with others when out at dinner. Rude not to eat what someone offers you.
I don't have a clue what is wrong with me.
Why I do things I know harm me.
When I know to do better, and do so anyway.
Food is not my only enemy. There is my procrastination. My laziness that goes back and forth between overbearing workaholic, to lethargic scum. Things I know I need to do, get out of the way, to continue certain endeavours I have taken upon, that never get accomplished. I start so much, yet finish so little.
Was I always meant to be a failure?
Is it truly all I know?
Will I never be an artist?
Am I truly an analytical fool?
Nothing against those with analytical minds.
But why must I so arduously love something if I was never meant to be a part of it.
Am I just a forgotten fool, who's life was a mere accident.
I mean, I wasn't meant to survive.
Not from birth, not through childhood.
Here I am mostly because of a woman who would never give up on her children.
No matter how weak, ill, fragile.
Did she do me a favour?
Will I ever feel as though I am someone to make her proud?
All I see is ...
All I see is a cadaver with a false sense of entitlement.
False sense of power.
Dwindling breaths, that will soon be for naught.
All I see, is a nobody.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
They're small frail creatures with incredible force in their heart and wings.
Though they are filled with colour, I think I'd prefer to be the new species they have found.
I believe they found them in Colombia.
Tidbit: Over 1100 species of hummingbirds alone have been found there. They have over 91%, if I'm not mistaken, of all bird species in the world.
The new species is black with blue fluff tufts above their little feet and some wild hair.
They're the ones I adore. I hope their extinction isn't as quick as scientists are expecting.
Recently, I have made a tumble. The link is http://nephillim3337.tumble.com I plan to post things about all my whims. Some of my designs as drawings and once they've been born into this world through fabric and dreams.
I've been thinking that when I leave for school I shall be getting a pet. What kinda puppup should I get? After I graduate I will not only be paying off my debts, starting my career, and saving for my royal dandy piglette. Her name shall be Bofrita. But until then, puppup recommendations please! I am on the hunt.
Last night was rough. Things need to be worked out. But my heart is feeling weak.
Hope you are all well.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I would have to say, I used to have a fave dancer. She was in Ballet Russe, granted she is no longer with us, as her prime time was the days of her youth, and the days of Ballet Russe's prime as well... her name has currently escaped me. But she was a beauty. Grace embodied. Perfection.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Funny how it is still fully capable of misconstruing any situation. There's irony in that I think.
I have two possible designs floating around in my head now. A third I hope is to come soon. I have picked what I will use as my common thread. Discussing it with Guinea definitely helped. Let's see if I will get to sketching soon. Still need to get swatches as well.
Long day at work. Unbeknownst to a coworker, she flits back and forth in my mind through ignorant bumpkin and caring uncultured yet essentially good. Can she really think a stay at home mom of three who only recently has had to struggle financially is worse off than a mother who has single handedly struggled through all possible hardships with four children?
I'll never understand the bubbles people live in.
I don't understand how if I commit a similar act as another, prior to or after their committing it; why I doing it is some sort of ridiculous or awful act.
I seem to be perpetually apologizing for actions I have or have not comitted. Anything from a sneeze to a hiccough. A question or a statement I hinted at without being aware.
Was life always meant to be so overwhelming and painful?
Will I always feel swollen with failure? Fatigue? Apathy?
Am I even human?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Texting with it truth be told is quite slow.
I miss having a keyboard but I refused to give up a charms holder, you know me!
Anyway, it's March. Have you all noticed that? I am freaking out. School starts in July... on the 5th.
Oh. My. Goodness.
I'm trying for a scholarship offered by the school.
Ughhh and I'm at like a mental blockade. I am freaking out. I decided I should submit men's wear designs.
Phew, what was I thinking no wonder most people do women's wear... ohhhh I despair.
I'm on my lunch break and sometimes it makes me seriously question society. <_<…
They're good people for the most part but... merrr let's be polite. It does show the repercussions of lax education. But what can you do. It's America freedom and power and all that.
My brothers have also been causing a lot of shenanigans lately. Not doing homework. Arguing and taking it further than necessary with our mom. Causing , basically general strife at home. They'll be sixteen this Saturday... oooh boy.
Anyway, that's just a small update for now.
More panic filled blogs to come.