Monday, May 31, 2010


I am scared.
I am anxious.
I am ill most days.
I am nervous all the time.

My head is jumbled and filled with confusion.
I cannot figure out what is going on.
Why any of it is happening.
Why things have gotten this way.

My hands are shaking.
I am hot.
I am cold.

Unwarranted feelings.

Desperation, is an unfriendly emotion.

Friday, May 28, 2010


I have been hurt.
In more ways than one.
I told myself I would not talk to him, but I cannot.
He means too much to me.
I am too worried about him.
But I cannot stop the tears.
I have never felt such pain, in my life.
I thought I was smarter than this.
I thought what we had was real.

I have no clue what is going on with him.
But he will not tell me.
I wish he would just talk to me.
There is no reason we cannot be friends.

I just want him to be happy.
I want him to be loved, it does not matter by who.
Just love, like he deserves.
I want him to succeed.
I want him to know that his friends care.
His family cares.
I care.

Something is wrong, I just want to help.
But I am hurt.
I made him hate me.
I believed a lie.
I was too trusting of someone I never should have trusted.
I did not trust him, like I should have.
I accused him.

But it hurts.
He no longer cares about me.
He no longer respects me.
I do not know what I could have done;
or what has happened, for things to get this way.
This bad.
This fast.

I wish I could move on.
But I have no idea how.
I wish I could let go.
But I miss him too much.

I guess it's true,
I am not worth loving.
I am a an ugly monster.

I want.
To die.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Maybe it is Time.

I feel I have lost you.
Today you sounded better, but when I pointed it out it left so suddenly.
All my words, sound hollow, because none of them reach you.
None of them can heal you.

I sleep each night with things around me that came from you.
But they do not give me the warmth I need.

I know you won't see this now.
You stopped updating your blog, and I know I can write freely;
without the fear I once had, of writing something that would harm you.
Because, as painful as these words are for me, I cannot truly say them aloud.
Nor can I say them to you.

I thought I knew what it meant to give up.
I thought I knew what it meant to be without hope.
And though I have felt staggering pain, from the loss of someone I truly loved;
I lost him to something no one comes back from.
To something we will all one day succumb to.

It's not the same with you.
I didn't watch or know that I was even going to lose him.
But I see you less and less and I feel you less and less.
I am watching you disappear from my view.
With him, it was sudden and devastating.
With you it is slow, cold, and growing.

But he needed his peace.
He needed his rest.

Now I wonder.
You too I feel need your peace but in another way.
I am pushing and pulling at the fragments I once held of you.
But they are no longer mine to hold.
You no longer cry for me.
You no longer want of me.
I do not have the answers you seek.
I don't even know what you're looking for.
I don't even know why you are hurting.

I will not force myself on you any longer.
If the day ever comes when you want of me again, I will come.
My heart belongs to you, and until I've lost you forever, it will always belong to you.

I don't know where you are.

I wish I was strong enough to keep fighting.

I wish you could remember why you loved me in the first place.

But maybe it is time for me to close my heart, and give you your freedom.
Maybe it is time for me to leave.
How I will miss you.

Do I even have the strength to relinquish all of you from me?
I truly don't know.
I miss you.

Forever, I love you, my darling.

Monday, May 17, 2010


I think I might do something drastic to distance myself from this life. I am ill.
I can no longer think straight and I need out.
I need peace.
I just don't know if I can do this alone.
I don't know who to trust.
I can't include my family. Not till it's done.
He can't know. I have destroyed his faith in me.
But where is the trust I had in him?
I am a shell of who I used to be.
As Adam would say, I am like Detroit.

Just set me free, please, let there be a God and set me free.
My heart aches, I need relief. I need out.
Whatever it takes.

I may not survive.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quite quite...quite...quiet.

Been feeling quite ill all week.
My head, my stomach, my sleep.
I mean it's all the same.
It is quite normal for me.
Being this way.

Lately, it's just too much to handle.
What with the way everything is lately.
Everything at work, at home, my ... mmm.

I feel like I'm drowning.
How could everything get so out of my hands.
How could I let everything end up the way it has.

I applied for a scholarship.
I am going to enter a design a little black dress competition.
But I don't know anymore. I don't know.

I'm sure I deserve the outcome of it all.
There's nothing left for me to do.
There's nothing I possibly could do.

I think I am inherently damaged.
I am no good.

My head hurts.