Thursday, May 20, 2010

Maybe it is Time.

I feel I have lost you.
Today you sounded better, but when I pointed it out it left so suddenly.
All my words, sound hollow, because none of them reach you.
None of them can heal you.

I sleep each night with things around me that came from you.
But they do not give me the warmth I need.

I know you won't see this now.
You stopped updating your blog, and I know I can write freely;
without the fear I once had, of writing something that would harm you.
Because, as painful as these words are for me, I cannot truly say them aloud.
Nor can I say them to you.

I thought I knew what it meant to give up.
I thought I knew what it meant to be without hope.
And though I have felt staggering pain, from the loss of someone I truly loved;
I lost him to something no one comes back from.
To something we will all one day succumb to.

It's not the same with you.
I didn't watch or know that I was even going to lose him.
But I see you less and less and I feel you less and less.
I am watching you disappear from my view.
With him, it was sudden and devastating.
With you it is slow, cold, and growing.

But he needed his peace.
He needed his rest.

Now I wonder.
You too I feel need your peace but in another way.
I am pushing and pulling at the fragments I once held of you.
But they are no longer mine to hold.
You no longer cry for me.
You no longer want of me.
I do not have the answers you seek.
I don't even know what you're looking for.
I don't even know why you are hurting.

I will not force myself on you any longer.
If the day ever comes when you want of me again, I will come.
My heart belongs to you, and until I've lost you forever, it will always belong to you.

I don't know where you are.

I wish I was strong enough to keep fighting.

I wish you could remember why you loved me in the first place.

But maybe it is time for me to close my heart, and give you your freedom.
Maybe it is time for me to leave.
How I will miss you.

Do I even have the strength to relinquish all of you from me?
I truly don't know.
I miss you.

Forever, I love you, my darling.

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