Wednesday, July 28, 2010


The school is being of no help in getting me my insurance reactivated.
Though my adviser is nice and always offering to help, she doesn't pull through like other students' advisers.
Also, never heard back from housing.
I'm getting really upset about the way a lot of things are going.


I feel as though my life is still in shambles,
as much as it has ever been.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I do wonder, if I will ever deserve, any of it.
Who am I to think that one day...
One day someone will choose me.
Someone will think I am special.
I am worth it.
Me, above anyone else.

Who am I to think, love is real?

Friday, July 9, 2010


I am studying Colour and Design Theory through a book called: Design Basics.
Needless to say, I do not enjoy the way it is written.
I also feel I cannot grasp this work of art:
What the artist is trying to say. Or why it is a work of art in general.
Maybe someone can explain to me?

I am going to do what Zefrank recommended oh so long ago.
Read next day, while taking notes.

I think that will be the best way to absorb all this information.
Giving me time tonight to cut out the rest of my patterns and paint more primary colour blocks.

Went to the store and the hole punch doesn't work.
Yay! for broken purchases.
Our toaster also doesn't work :D

My feet are killing me.
Today is cranky day.

Going to go cut out some patterns.
Maybe update again later with a less grumpy post.

Day 1.

Lots of things to carry down 6 blocks and up 5 flights of stairs.
I am exhausted and my feet are killing me.

I am scared.
But I am also not scared.

I think I can do this.
Please everyone, have faith in me.
Give me strength to do this.

Because I am nervous.

I need this.

I need a success.

I need to feel good once again.

I need to do something with my life.

Everyone keeps saying,
"Be selfish Caro. It's your turn to be selfish."
But I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to be selfish.

I really wish someone was holding my hand right now.
That I could crawl into bed with them.
Not be afraid of the nightmares and monsters.
Listen to their heart and hear them breathe.

I just want to sleep and wake up knowing.
Knowing this was the right decision.
I just want to wake up, in loving arms.

When did I become so pathetic?
I never needed anyone other than myself.
Who am I now?

In a little home by the sea, there she wished she could be set free.
But little monsters by the sea, they never find a true way to be, anything other than little monsters by the sea.

Who will show you the way to happiness?
Because the person holding the light, has to be you.

Maybe if you close your eyes,
close your eyes.
Close. Your. Eyes.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Tomorrow is my first day at uni.
I have a four course schedule this quarter and my next two quarters.
That is all thanks to my transfers.

I am sitting here with my roomie, and though we feel we are wasting time..
We do acquiesce that perhaps we should enjoy our last free evening before the craziness starts. Our courses will be over ten weeks. They meet once a week. Therefore we have ten courses to learn everything from the ground up.

I will be learning how to 10 courses only.
I am panicking.

But, everyone seems to feel that I am more than fully capable.
I need to take the confidence others' have in me and internalize it.
I need to feel confident.
I need work hard.
I need to succeed.

Goal plan: Find a good living arrangement.
Find a job.
Find good transportation arrangements.
Trying not to fall asleep but I really want to take a nap.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


My heart is really hurting.
It never goes away.
How long will it take me, to be human again?