Sunday, April 24, 2011

I can't remember the last time.

Everyone, I've ever loved...I've always loved more than they could ever love me. Every friendship, every relationship. I think there was one time, when I was still in high school...where I chose myself, over somebody else.
I really liked this boy, you see. Truly, I did. But he was too damaged. Broken home. Honours student who dropped out of high school. Drug addict. But, boy! Did I like him. But I couldn't do it. We were 16/17. He wanted to plan his life out with me. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to leave after high school. Do an exchange program, travel. I wanted to pursue so many things, how could I take him with me... he would never be graduating high school. How could I plan a life out, with someone that I would have to take care of, when I was just a kid.

This is the one time. The one time I chose myself over another human being.

I did a very poor job of it. He cried. I couldn't look at him. Didn't know what else to do, I don't even remember what I said. It wasn't much, he knew anyway. I don't know what happened to him after that. Never really talked again. He could be dead right now and I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be surprised though. Not with the crowd we ran with back then. Not with what I was told he was doing after the break up.

But, that was the only time. I've never done it again. Though now I'm more tired, so I think most people just avoid me. Who would want to hang around with someone, who can walk into a crowded room and not be seen, her energy being too lackluster to notice. Maybe that's why...

Maybe that's why I will live my life like this.
Because I don't have the energy, and I have headaches, and neckaches, more than I have smiles and tenderness.

No one loves the weak of heart.
Who would?
Who could.

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